Interpersonal Effectiveness: DEAR MAN, GIVE, FAST

Level 2 DBT skills are about having hard conversations without losing yourself or the relationship. These tools help you ask for what you need, say no when you must, and walk away still feeling aligned with your values.

DEAR MAN – How to ask or say no effectively:
DEAR MAN is a structured way to speak up. You briefly describe what is happening, express how it impacts you, and clearly state what you are asking for or what you are saying no to. You then reinforce why cooperation makes sense (for you, them, or the relationship). While you do this, you stay mindful of your goal, come back to it if the conversation wanders, and let your body language and tone communicate quiet confidence. Finally, you show willingness to negotiate when possible, looking for realistic middle ground instead of “my way or no way.”

GIVE – How to protect the relationship:
GIVE centers the health of the connection. You stay gentle instead of attacking or shaming, even when you’re upset. You show interest in the other person’s experience by listening, asking questions, and staying present instead of checking out. You validate that their thoughts and feelings make sense from their point of view, even if you see things differently. And you use an easy manner, some warmth, softness, and lightness when appropriate, so the conversation feels like two humans trying to understand each other, not enemies trying to win.

FAST – How to protect your self-respect:
FAST keeps you aligned with who you want to be. You aim to be fair, not harsh with yourself or with the other person. You avoid over-apologizing for existing, having needs, or setting reasonable limits. You stick to your values, even if it means disappointing someone in the short term. And you stay truthful: no exaggerating, no acting smaller than you are, and no pretending you agree when you don’t. When you use FAST, you leave the interaction able to look yourself in the eyes.